Supposedly, Ellen DeGeneres is embodying in life that I'm not good enough for my dad's youngest sibling/sister and her daughter. She's mostly been a single mom. I feel she is saying I'm a bad person. She's using the need to justify my anger to the extreme.
She thinks my values aren't good enough for how attractive they are. Everyone else tells me I'm sweet, smart, and shy. Why would Ellen not trust me for who I am?
I've said it's cuz my mom is Asian and my dad is born in 1950.
It's also prejudice about dark hair. Either, dark hair can be good or it can't be. I've mostly wanted white blonde hair and sometimes gold hair.
I don't think it's excusable to say this if it's not true just to punish me, neither.
Being called sweet, smart, and shy so often when being judged or asked about in school, I don't see how Ellen doing this is okay. I mean, like, it feels shouting in my face. She thinks she can ground me. How pathetic. She wants people to respond to her like a parent. Things got messed up. I don't think I'm messed up.
So, it also boils down to that I used to curse about hurtful, illegal noises in my room that she supposedly put there.
Ellen keeps thinking it makes sense, too, apparently, that I was bad to her and bad before that.
Last time I visited with my dad's youngest sister, I think we went to Downtown Disney and had a nice time. I see my dad's oldest sister, too. I think this is Ellen's sweeping chance to get at me, probably thinking my youngest aunt having a kid means I shouldn't have a relationship with her.
I think that's mean to assume you can control my life with such reasonings and playing around with how true those reasonings are.
I feel my privacy has been abused. I'm not supposed to be raided in my own home.
How am I ugly compared to my aunt when my life is going good? I think it's the black hair. I didn't want black hair. Actually, it's brown in the light or highlighted. I like my aunt, but we look different. My oldest aunt they were joking how we look alike, even her being that old. I take it this was another joke.
So, why is Ellen being so vicious?
There are other people I lost in my life, as well, around now, and I can only think that Ellen did it or it was a group effort. This is pathetic. Why do people listen? And I feel so bad in the home. I'm too old to feel at home in a college, too, not sure where I'm going sometimes.
I thought of some things before I woke up. I came home and took a shower and went to bed. I forget, now.
I think Ellen thinks I think I'm in all the drama saying my aunt's not too good for me. She got really mad and just totaled. She wants me to think other people are more important and like I never was nice to others. She got this talking to my aunt. I was upset at what my oldest aunt relayed about what Ellen did. I basically felt that if I didn't see my youngest aunt for her good was okay, but I was upset at being told that was how things stood by Ellen. I was told it was my aunt's fault and it was okay I slipped and didn't like what Ellen did and just to deny that. I can't deny things like that. I guess that was an advance taken on me, as well.
So, I don't curse about her like I used to. She's still upset. Anyway, I said what she did was hurtful and illegal. It's my freedom, too. I didn't wanna call the police cuz I liked it kinda, but they were using it to be mean, now.
I'm depressed and getting old. Soon, I'll be over the hill. If I am modest and say I'm not young anymore, people seem to flash by in enforcement of that depressing thought. I don't like how 10 years of my life is down the drain cuz I was kicked outta my college major after 1 year. I wasn't even online, yet. Orlando is so crazy. I could not think and keep getting in trouble near when the hurricane came and we had to move here. It's little things like money, school, the internet. I didn't mean to do anything bad. My life is now like of an orchestra reciting these things like I'm just a bad person and always proved to be when I haven't.
So, I'm not trying to be mean to Ellen DeGeneres. I just feel she keeps introducing things about me lined up because of this that are negative. She's the one being mean to me just because she's also nice or something.
I don't wanna be told I'm not gonna make it, that I have poor values, etc. I'm on psychotic pills and other pills and it makes me tired. It's hard to wake up to my still unorganized room and change my clothes and put on makeup when I'm not going anywhere. I stopped posting as many pictures online, but I am sure this is all using how I look to make me look bad. They think people who are not glamorous in how they look are evil. I used to want to look natural and now wear makeup but was not ugly. Something made me look more Asian in glasses, tho. It's like all that time before didn't pay off, one tick and I'm Asian. I feel the pressure.
Why can't people who really see me just act normal? They think I'm bad, some of them. I hope in the end, my life is more comfortable. Without the insults via people experimenting on me and altering my life for the worse.
So, about the point, why am I really so bad I should not even see my youngest aunt? It seems likes something was said here. It might just be a fake punishment. Just see if there's some other reason that makes sense maybe. Something that doesn't say I'm not worth it. Why do other people like to talk to me? They seem desperate to set out to get you, like it's their call of duty. Do you think I want that g** look like hey my dad is born in 1950.. and like that's why I look so much like an exaggerated set of tubes with nothing interesting about me? like that's what I want? No, that's how it happened. It's not what I found desirable. Part of it is this, me being told I'm not good enough. I'm being taken advantage of as a living being. A lotta people have this issue and probably are tired of it.
So, why shouldn't I see my younger aunt? Something I did? Me being ugly? What about the other relationships that are lost or ruined now cuz Ellen said so or some group effort? It's like my happiness has been taken away. I'm sure in the end it's just cuz Ellen thinks I was bad. She shouldn't be able to control that. It sounds very suggestive and like a snap judgement sorta. She might not mean it but has to always display I'm in trouble. That's upsetting. If she can do whatever she wants, why am I always treated unfairly?
You know, I didn't make a big deal of it. She just got really mad. I don't know it all, but I do know she said something suggestive, that she doesn't care if I ever get an Oscar. I do wanna perform but do not expect such an award. So, different ideas come into play, more ranting about being attractive or not. It's very suggestive in such a way. She also made a big deal that my dad should have nothing to do with Star Wars and Charlie Brown but thinks others can. I saw her smile about it, too. Is that a hint of a threat? Ellen thinks I lost it, but I was just upset. She wants to know who did it if it wasn't me. She thinks dad makes me have it in me to do that. I really don't approve, but I don't mean anything inappropriate. What she said was wrong, but maybe that was just my oldest aunt. My family is not the ones trying to attack her, and it's easy to see. I think the blame on my family needs to stop.
She also got mad I was upset that my breast blew up and hers was petite. I just thunk it, said nothing. She didn't care and now she's like raging mad and thinks she has something big to hold in against me. These little things, no one ever cared to prevent them. See, I just thunk, and now it's a big deal. There's always some explanation. She can't help but be mean to me, but sometimes like this it just seems depressing and when you can destroy relationships.
Also, I do like gymnastics and ballet. I told my mom something mean to my dad when we were alone about things like that, but Ellen knows and now I'm in trouble probably. Something exciting is coming to Orlando, auditions for The Lion King and Aladdin. I'm finding myself enrolling in modern dance classes when I did like gymnastics and ballet my whole life. It just seems strange and set up. It seems like a good idea, tho. I'm in adult gymnastics right now, too, and was also hoping for expensive singing lessons.
I try not to get upset, but sometimes in the moment things seem different but always have some reason or excuse. Sorry about it, but these things need to be prevented more. People in Orlando do crazy things. It's hard to have a sense for what's appropriate.
I can't seem to find a point other than that Ellen is mean and things like crazy, etc., like she's not fully formed and has open anger. She just connects the dots and is missing something. These are incomplete thoughts acted upon. She still does it, tho.
Also, she went ahead and acted like she was special like my youngest aunt and I am trashy. That's not really nice. Neither is what was said before. Why is that okay? Was there a reason?
I dunno about this. I'm not having an unnecessary fit about it but feel like I'm considered bad, I do not matter, and problems still to come whereas before in life wasn't like this. I'm being approached for my mixed race, like coming up to surprise me with things. Like, okay okay, you don't like that sorry I don't mean it like that.
You know another excuse she actually uses is that other people would be mean to me, anyway. She's mad at me a lot. People use that a lot, that people would be mean to me, anyway. Like, they think if they do it 1st it won't be as bad. Things weren't like that before.
Sorry if I did anything crazy in Orlando! I feel like I've been sucked into a black hole. It was hard adjusting. My infamy is so big I can't seem to adjust further. Moreso, sorry if anyone's feelings were hurt. Not sure what can be said of that end.
You know, I feel compared to Ellen they act like she's the one who's vibrant and youthful and I'm like an ugly, useless person caught up in details. I feel that constantly, like she's soaking in that end.
It feels so open like people are setting me up to eventually look in trouble. They play around when I am not upset and try to confuse me I feel. I hope I find a better life. People need fresh air and variety in life.
Sorry if I am rude, stupid, etc.
So, I wonder.